I can see it's been awhile since I shared anything. Thats how long my focus has been narrowed to one thing and one thing only. To get home to my family and back to a normal training discipline.
I'm not feeling too well about how my training has nose dived into the ground. Instead of things ramping up they have gone to very little. I dont like the fact that I publish my intention and then don't follow through. It makes me feel like a liar and someone who can't back up their words. Alot of things went south in a big hurry for me the last while. Trying to complete this project and returning home has been difficult. So in order to keep moving ahead all my focus and energy is drawn to what needs to be done. Thats how I become about things that pose as difficult, I will do whatever it takes to solve a problem or complete a challenge. Well then what happened to my training, is it not something that is important to me? Is it not a challenge that is worthy of my solid focus and passion, does it not require the same discipline that my work gets. I really dropped the ball on several fronts this year and missed out on a lot of things. I havent really been there for the team or anyone else for that matter. Probably the most difficult thing I had to do besides tell my girls that I will be up here longer, was to tell Sifu Brinker that I won't be grading, and I did it over an email. Not cool, to me anyway. I don't have some of the key elements I need in order to grade and as I said my daily training fell apart fast once all the hours of work started and the consecutive days. I don't feel like I can walk into grading and test without being fully prepared. Im not saying everything has to be perfect or this is the end, I get all of that. I also know all about adaptability and to always expect the unexpected. If I am not ready with all the necessities to grade and be mentally and physically prepared, then I won't walk into it incomplete. My last post was nothing but a load of intention, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, it never happened. I just dont feel good about anything right now. I feel like I not only let down myself, but alot of people that supported me through it all. I really don't like not following through on what I say I'm going to do. I not like that, but it sure looks that way. It is what it is though, I made the decision and I will complete what I set out to do and remain accountable for my actions. I just have to get home and restore the balance on several fronts.
So if your wondering what's happening as of late, well, not much besides work, eat, and sleep. Repeat.
