Rolling with the Madness

Where to start. When asked where I am at currently with my training, my preparation for grading, my I Ho Chuan requirements, my recovery and almost any other thing you can dream up, you will receive this response. Me asking you to envision me holding all that is going on in my life in a box full of pieces from 14 different kind of jig saw puzzles. Then you will see me dump it all into a pile on the ground and calmly point down. That is where I am at.

My balance is completely off the scale, in fact, it's smashed into tiny pieces that I can't put together at the moment. The clock is ticking fast and I am all over the map with a jungle of loose ends I am trying to weave into something that will be sustainable in my life and my training. I have had more time away from the kwoon than most people have been away from home. A major injury and many personal challenges that have consumed a dump truck full of my time along with a crazy work schedule, has set me further back than I could have ever anticipated.  Some have viewed my time away from the kwoon as a result of my injury as hiding and I should've been there to observe and be there in spirit for the team. I'll keep that response to myself. But I will say this much, I hide from nothing. Grading is coming fast and my knowledge of the curriculum is weak, my kicks suck, physical conditioning is below average, bad habits in my form work, a weapon form that is not complete and others I plan on bringing to the table have not been practiced. Lots of theoretical material that requires memorization, and five personal techniques that is a bunch of crap, it looks more like amateur hour than something from somebody at my level. Occupational demands are full swing and just when you think it will slow down, wham. While most of you where with your families or training or doing whatever it was you where doing this long weekend, I was in a hard hat, 12 hrs a day, everyday.

So some may see this as life, some may see this as impossible, some may see this as whining or excuses. It may appear as a justification to put off grading until November. It may look like an anger vent or me throwing out negativity. Well sorry sunshine, but sometimes what appears to be negativity is reality. As difficult as it may seem, all of this is opportunity. Nothing more, nothing less. What I am doing here is sharing a window into all that is going on currently and hopefully what I can do to make it better and get through all of this. I hold myself accountable to it all, because all of this is my own responsibility and a result of my decisions and how I chose to act on them. I don't blame anyone or anything because this is all on me.

I will continue to forge ahead and share my journey for the next few weeks. I possess a patient mind along with bullet proof determination and will. I have looked back to how far I have come and that alone has given me reassurance that I can do this. Despite all that is going on in all aspects of my life, I am grateful for it all and embrace this as fuel for my success and to better my wisdom. This is all going to make me a better person, a better Black Belt, a better Father and husband, and a bring me that much closer to being a master in my trade. It will strengthen my will and sharpen my wits. There are many people that have it far worse than I may ever see. I am walking into the Kwoon on May 2 with the intention to succeed and to me November is not an option. A strong mind and iron determination can get you through anything. At the moment that's the only thing I have that is ready. See you at the Kwoon.

Stage 2, Rev 1

Stage 1 of my years layout never really panned out and stage 2 is already lagging behind. As far as goals reached for February I came up short on just about everything except distance. I managed to walk a total of 60 km and did achieve 37 weapon form reps and 24 of each school form reps. I only achieved a solid 3 min horse stance with bean bags. This all came before I injured myself. I look at this is good though because I did all of this in a short period of time with the exception of the distance. I have been using an app on my phone to track my distance and this also helps to keep me moving. A while back I seen just everyday walking not really eligible to count towards your distance goal. But when you run out of training options you have to find something to work towards and get something done. I found utilizing this tool to be helpful not only towards my goals, but also helpful in my healing process. It kept me moving and engaged, but also motivated me to forge ahead.

Stage 2 of my monthly goals is going to have to be heavily modified. Lot's needs to be revised as my direction and focus has changed. Fail or not I am showing up to the kwoon on May 2 to grade and that's all there is to it. I don't care if I show up in a wheel chair, it's happening. I have changed my mindset from I am not ready or this does not meet the school standards; to ready or not here I come whether you like it or not. I tend to be very hard on myself and I set my standards very high. I do understand there is no such thing as perfect, believe me I get that. But I can't stand half effort or no heart or even go on to say no class when I do something I believe in. I understand now though, it's not my place to decide whether the standard is met or not. It's my place to show my Sifu's present at my grading what I've got and show the students of our school what it takes.

My work schedule was supposed to dwindle down after this past weekend of 12 hour shifts and float into a Monday to Friday rotation which was supposed to blend together quite well from now to the beginning of May. However, if you have watched the news today and have heard what has happened, you will understand it will be a crazy next while as we were faced with a major draw back. Fortunately, and ultimately, everyone went home and to me that's all that matters.

I have a big challenge ahead of me if I am to be prepared for May. I have to pretty much start at the beginning of my training and ramp up substantially if I am even going to stand a chance. Between my relentless work hours and life in general this is going to be tough. Good, at this point in my Kung Fu this might be just what the doctor ordered. Keep you in the loop as I go. See you at the kwoon.

Throwing in the Towel......

Just like anybody, I have had my moments of knee jerk reactions. Unexpected
demands and unexpected events from situations that you don't see coming or your not used to dealing with will fuel the irrational thought engine with high octane. When one of the key components that work in unison with your personal mechanics suddenly fails, the remaining components must compensate. Each one of these components hold a different duty and when you try to continue as you normally would and impose something they are not compatible with, everything piles up and you cease to function correctly. Kind of like putting diesel fuel in your windshield washer reservoir. It will still work, but its function is pointless.

As time has progressed I have had the toughest challenges thrown at me in quite some time. One of the most important things in my life is my Kung Fu. I have been down with an injury and absent from the kwoon for various reasons, but have been trying to grasp other areas to remain engaged and continue to advance. This is where adaptability comes in. Well that can go only so far when the physical aspect has been forcibly removed and it was something that helped you along the way. You see the physical part of it is my escape. That is how I remove stress, maintain my mental and physical health, my ability to adapt. My balance. That's my dump valve for negativity, my mental equalizer, and one of my main sources of chi energy. It is one of my "Big Three" that I continue to pursue mastery in. I have lost my ability to physically train at a time where I probably need it the most.

My injury provoked an explosion of emotions the other day. They consisted of raging anger, self doubt, self pity, and despair. I have been trying to do whatever I can to keep things moving and to regain my strength and range of motion as my injury allows. Listening to my body and trying to remain careful and patient. I tried to do forms, combinations, techniques, all resulting in pain. I tried to do a plank and realized just how messed up my core is. From going to 4 minutes and beyond to a very shakey 30 seconds and an inconsistent pattern of healing put me over the edge. I thought to heck with this, I'm done. I have fallen so far behind and at this rate there is no way I'll way I'll be ready for May 2. All my physical training is deteriorating and it will take forever to get it back. Everyone is advancing and I'm sitting here eating dust. I'm going quit and who cares. I'll never get caught up and no one is going to miss me anyway. I'm never there and when I should be, some thing comes up that I have to do or deal with, or fix. To heck with all of this! What if I can't train anymore? What if this is permanent? This sucks so bad!

I stepped back and thought about my words and actions. I realized that' not How I roll and I cannot lose my mindset or my direction. This is a huge opportunity for me to make a tremendous leap of advancement mentally and physically in my Kung Fu. This is also a tremendous wake up call on the absolute importance to maintain a powerful and balanced core. Your core is everything, period. That is the source of all your power and stability, and mine will require a full rebuild and revised discipline. I just have to be patient and change my perspective. Quiting things that are tough have never been in my nature and this thought process is not welcome. It doesn't matter who or what it is, discontinuing to fight or adapt to find a way to bust through obstacles will lead you to a downward spiral. Quitting or avoiding things is a false sense of action, a distorted justification of well being. The issues will still be there and if you don't take them on, that regret will follow you around for the rest of your life. I'm not into that and so the journey must continue, regardless of the challenges. See you at the Kwoon.

Caged Animal

This is pretty much how I feel right now. Chomping at the bit to charge fully into my Kung Fu and not being able to go to it's full potential has been frustrating. I have been writing and doing whatever I can do, but it hasn't been much. I feel like I am trapped in an iron cage and no matter how many times I chew, kick, punch, or bounce myself off the walls, I can't get out. Time is moving fast and a deadline to be fully prepared for grading is just around the corner. Working 7 days a week hasn't really given me an opportunity to heal properly but I am a firm believer that just sitting still is going to cause more damage than good. This particular injury has been one of the most weirdest I have ever encountered. Pain and tired muscles have been moving all over the place and has been very difficult to pin point indeed. The reflexologist that I typically see is relocating and is unavailable until the middle of the month. I have gone to see a chiropractor and it seemed to help some. I have been given exercises to try and found this to be helpful and I have a follow up appointment tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

I have been going through a lot of personal challenges lately that seem to be coming at me like a machine gun. One after another they come and one after another I sort them out. Keeping the perspective that these are opportunities that will make me a better person and make me that much more stronger mentally has kept me focused on achieving my goals and strengthening my weaknesses. This makes me that much better at Kung Fu and will make me that much better at using correct judgement and empathy to help not only my self, but all of those that may need help along the way. Maybe I'm wrong at this observation and practice, but for now, it's working for various situations I have been encountering.

Moving on though I have found other ways to stay engaged and when it is go time. I have a solid structure laid out that should serve me well. I know that I will have to start from the beginning slowly and work my way back up. That's just the way it has to be. Once I feel better and I am able to continue my training, I will proceed with caution. As much as I would love to charge back in wide open and make up for lost time, I cannot just pick up where I left off. This kind of stupidity will put me right back where I am now or worse. Yes, it's a downer but I chose to remain positive and keep my eyes and thoughts to the future and hold the vision of seeing myself where I want to be. I have been on the bench now for almost 3 weeks and have been taking notes during Sihing class and have been visually thinking of a new weapon form and going through all of my other forms, curriculum, and five personal techniques. I know what needs to be done and just how I'm going to do it. Now that my full attention is no longer required at home and in  order to stay completely engaged and not lose focus, I plan on being at the kwoon as much as possible to observe and take notes while I am down. Even on the bench watching and taking notes can be just as important and as beneficial as physically participating. You have to take advantage of all opportunity's when your down in order to stay up. See you at the kwoon.

The Cards your Dealt

This last while has been interesting and frustrating as a whole. I'm at one of those jagged peaks and valleys with water at the bottom of each, mud slides, and white out snow storms at the peaks. It can grate on you and leave you wondering what's next. This approach however will get you nowhere and it only stops you if you let it. Some where down the path is grassy fields and sunshine, you just have to aim for it and go.

The last few weeks has been taking care of a situation at home that is close to the heart and scary all at once. Moving ahead and adapting has brought that to an almost resolved state. A new job has been moving along not so well. Politics, weather, and a roll of the dice on what hours or days your working leaves your ability to commit to things pretty much impossible. One minute we are working day shift, next night shift, next tomorrow, next maybe over the course of the weekend, next off.... you get the picture.

Next issue, injury. A couple of days ago I was carrying something heavy and my foot slipped on the ice resulting in me jarring my lower back. This has pretty much halted all my physical training. Insert machine gun of profanity here. It's one of those back injurys that no matter what you do, pain will be involved in

So what now. Adapt and prevail. First things first, you can't control what happens around you, but you can control how you deal with things. Work, well it is what it is. Whatever shift or day I am working there is always the opportunity to get to the kwoon now that I am working at home. Morning classes, evening classes, open training, contact someone that has a key, train at home and utilize that training opportunity. This is easy to do if you want to actually do it. My attention and focus lately has been all put into my personal life, but along the way I managed to get in some form reps and training. Not as much as I wanted too but something. Incremental progress. I know the minute I let this slip, I will be right back to square one. Next came the injury, physical training is not an option at the moment. So I need to move onto the mental area of my training. I have to see this as an opportunity to use the down time to focus on planning, research ways to help heal quicker and what I need to work on to maintain a stronger body. I started segregating the curriculumn into what I know, what I don't know. What is going to take more time to relearn and what will be replenished in a quick review, write it down. What form needs work and where are my trouble zones, write it down. Sort out my training reps, what area needs more and which one needs less, write it down. Go through my theory and write down the ones I don't feel confident with my answer and put it on the web site. Write down and plan a balanced workout that will coincide with my monthly goals and keep my muscles strong around my joints and spine. Try to keep moving and start training again listening to my body along the way. Sitting completely still I think does more harm than good.

That's pretty much what's going on with me lately. I know right now the timing is bad but my back is starting to loosen up and my mobility is improving daily so thats a good thing. Just like seeing all things, good or bad, as an opportunity to make something better. It will only bring you down if you let it. See you at the kwoon

Year of the Challenges

It was a pretty crazy for me this year with numerous physical, mental, and occupational challenges. Family life took a beating, responsibilities on so many fronts waiting for me the minute I stepped off the plane and got home and then back to a very challenging project. Family tragedies, and not to mention going off the rails numerous times on the training locomotive. I felt loaded way beyond my physical and mental capacities too many times to count. I had people counting on me to be a leader, a family counting on me to be a man, a father. Teachers and people of support counting on me to come through on my commitments. I felt like everything in my life wanted to fight, one big circle of a beating was brewing. I say @#$* em! Bring it on, I'll fight until I can't. Once the smoke cleared a little and things began to get sorted out, life carried on as it always does.

 I felt like a complete let down a few times and other times I felt like a damn king. The low. Not grading this past year was a kick in the stomach indeed and I really didn't like how I had to tell the school that I wasn't going too. Over an email. To me certain things should be done face to face, and that was one of those things. For that I am sorry. But as most of you know where I was at the time that was pretty much the only option I had. One of the other things that I didn't particularly like was the public intentions that were never followed through. You can have the best intentions and ideas in the world, but if they aren't followed through, they are nothing but lip service. This is where I learned the importance of structure and the absolute necessity of segregating Kung Fu training to "my" time and no one else's. I tend to let things toss me around sometimes and rather than let go and reset, I hang on and fight it. I need to alter this approach for sure.

The high was applying my Kung Fu to all aspects of my life and every single challenge that came at me and prevailed. Kung Fu has taught me to see all things as opportunity's or to discover the answer to any problem or situation by seeing the balance of everything. Every single thing has a balance, and every problem has a solution. The only way to succeed through anything is too keep a clear head and clear mind. Kung Fu has taught me to be adaptable and has helped me hone this skill on so many fronts and for that I am truly grateful. The other part was witnessing some amazing accomplishments of my team mates, good job to you all. All I can say is wow, that is just way cool! Other areas are all the things I did accomplish and I even feel quite good about the fails, because you learn when you fail and that makes you that much better overall.

There are many great things the I Ho Chuan has done for me this year. It has helped me discover and strengthen my weaknesses and amplify my strong points through engagement. I have come out of my comfort zone in a lot of ways and despite my absence I felt connected and engaged to the team. I hope somewhere along the way I have given something back to my team mates as they have given me so much support. Thanks to you all that helped me so much.  I now fully understand the importance of blogging and recording progress and fails. I set out to try to remain involved through my absence by publically recording numbers and sending videos of blogs and form work. This is something I will continue to use, because it works, and because that is what I said I was going to do back in July when I left for Yellowknife.
Looking forward to the year of the sheep and training with some new and old faces soon. See you at the Kwoon.

Stage 1

I feel the only way for me to accomplish what I am set to do for the remainder of the year and beginning a new year in the I Ho Chuan is to maintain public numbers. Throughout  the year this really helped to keep me not only accountable but engaged in the process of the I Ho Chuan, and from what I have seen it worked very well for others. So why not continue to utilize what works. As I said in my earlier post I am going to make my monthly goals public at the beginning of the month and post the results at the end.  I have my written journal ready and will continue to post my numbers on the web site. This is something I have to do because my discipline sucks and so does my ability to structure my training into a universal or adaptable practice. So here's what I have laid out for Febuary:
50 reps of each school form
50 reps of weapon form before banquet
10 minute Horse stance (with bean bags, if your going to do it....)
3000 kicks
40 km ran
Achieve 50 pull ups/chin ups in a row
Attend all open training sessions and work on curriculum and 5 techniques
Perform to the expectations of an I Ho Chuan member in the demo
Do mock Black Belt test at the end of the month and note results

So there it is, and you have all seen it. Now it's up to me to complete it.
See you at the kwoon.