Have a look through this window

Lets get this out of the way first. No, I haven't been blogging. Yes, my numbers are low. Yes, I am angry with myself and how far I slipped out of the picture. If the team is upset with me, I understand. I couldn't agree with them more. Those of you that took the time to ask me how things were and how things are going, offering a hand if I needed it. Thanks. When you are away from the kwoon for a lengthly period of time it sometimes feels like you are walking into a room full of strangers and people don't even know you walked in. Those of you that didn't please feel free to approach me or if you prefer I will approach each and everyone of you to explain myself and will be more than happy to take what I have coming. Which is a heavy reminder of my commitment to you all and the requirements of the curriculum. Don't think for a second I don't care or forget where I come from. I am a life long student of Silent river Kung Fu  and my loyalty to the school is etched in stone. I feel like a poser and a weak link on the team. As I have not been able to be a solid member of this team. Someone that can be counted on. Something I have always prided myself on all my life is being solid and being a figure of support to anyone or anything I commit to. I don't feel like that person right now. I have been trying to juggle a whole pile of items at once and it has been very difficult at this point. Things are very busy and I am not going to go into a whole bunch of excuses or reasons. I will say this much that where I am at has been the toughest area I have ever been in for a long time. I won't deny the fact that I did seriously consider stepping down. Not because I am a quitter, but because I am not too proud or realize when I have made a wrong decision or a mistake. Being mediocre has never been part of my life and "good enough" has never been a consideration. I am stubborn and have spent much time trying to figure out problems or going over things continuously until it is right. Only to refine it in another form. There is no such thing as perfect, it is a myth and a fallacy many of us fall into all the time. But there is a thing called constant evolution. It just goes back to the basic symbol and the thought process of the circle. Once you close the circle it starts over again as more bold than the last.

When I get in these situations I go to the drawing board and try to figure out just what exactly it is I need to do to make this work. Yes, on my own. I have taken care of myself for a very long time. I am not good at sharing my problems with people. My problems are my problems and I have no interest in burdening anyone with them, let alone share them with anyone that may be reading this. I know this is not the idea behind this program and I am slowly trying to come out of it. This is not an excuse to not blog or have constant engagement. My engagement is very low right now. Well obviously, I am not even following through on the minimum requirement. Work is consuming all of my time and when there is free time I am either sleeping or spending it with my girls. Trying to train when you are completely burnt and carrying a load that is meant for two people doesn't promote a very solid thought process or physical endurance to really do anything. My conditioning is not what it should be and that hurts my training as well. Being able to attend last I Ho Chuan class was the breaking point for me and perhaps the sting of humility I needed to get the ball rolling back where it should be. Since my engagement was so low when working on my form I couldn't believe how far behind I was. While doing reps in the back I was asked to fill in a void in the demo. While I was practicing the reps were starting to flow and it felt a lot better than usual. Although come show time it completely sucked ass. But I learnt a really valuable lesson and a reminder of the expectations of the team. At the drop of  a hat you should be able to get up there and do your form. Anywhere, any time and if you can't that is a tell tale sign you are not practicing. Getting thrown into this situation is a lot more doable if it is a form you already know. But when its your own, and your not practicing, not so. So I have been forcing some time in to practice my form and I am trying to get in 100 plus reps before Friday. I know I was pulled from the original line up for understandable reasons. But if someone can't make it and a sub is needed I will be ready. That goes the same for my board breaking techniques. I have been getting in some distance on my bike and that is the kind of break away I need to stay engaged and just to keep my sanity since I highly doubt I will make any classes this week, with the exception of Friday of course. I will be there and I will be at the demo. So the plan for the next while is to play catch up on all my blogs and get them up to date along with my other requirements. Also, for what it matters, my apologies. See you at the kwoon

Brian Chervenka