Heavy is the Head

This blog is going to be scattered a bit as I have to get everyone up to speed as to what is going on with me as I realize as far as most of you know or can see I have been doing nothing or very little in regards to my training so here it is in a nutshell.
I have been working a ton of hours, seven days a week and caring for someone that is very close to me that has become very ill and has faced many issues since Febuary. These two items have been where most of my energy has been placed. I'm not going to go on about how difficult it has been or how burnt out I am as this is just simply life and I don't like to use these things as an excuse for neglecting other important things in my life. Kung Fu is very important to me and as hard as it may all seem, I still apply it to all aspects of my life because it has grown to be a part of me. It isn't just a hobby that I do.

I have been struggling a bit with changing my all or nothing mentality when it comes to my training. If I can't train as much as I like because I run out of hours in a day or my attention is focused on something else, very little gets done and then I beat myself up over it. I have to remember that any bit of training or effort towards Kung Fu is something. If I can't get in the time to do as much as I want, I have to focus on something that will still be beneficial to progress. The incremental focus is something I have to work on.
This year is going to require alot of work and focus in regards to achieving the level black belt. The biggest thing is public engagement and obvious progression through skill improvement when I am at the kwoon.The Sifu's and the school need to see progress and effort. If there is no journaling or no prescence how would anybody know what your doing or what kind of example are you setting for those coming up that will be working towards their black belt. I have not shared or provided a very good example. This has to change or it makes the whole thing look like a big joke. I get that, and I will do something about it. I don't want to be that guy.
I will say this much, at this point in my life I have gone through a very difficult period the last while. It has been a challenge to stay focused and move forward. I have missed opportunities, gone above and beyond for others and kept a cool head through it all and maintained a, for the most part, positive attitude. There is light at the end of the tunnel and these challenges have made me stronger and wiser. My focus now is to restore the balance of the main aspects of my life and restore the faith of my Sifu's and the school, because as of late you have seen or heard nothing. See you at the kwoon.

The Restoration of the Unexplained

Since last Saturday I have under gone a major change in my attitude and how I feel about my training. I feel so light and have this incredible excitement that I haven't felt for some time. My focus has changed and my inner energy is at an absolute high. My hands and body won't stop tingling when I train, my focus and awareness to everything I do is on a ultra sensitive frequency. It's just cool to feel this happy and this buzzed when practicing my Kung Fu once again. Grading was an intervention for me, I put it all on the line and offered complete exposure. I now have a new beginning, a new mind set and focus, new tools and new path to cut. I feel clean and transparent, like I have severed a cancer that has been hampering me for some time now.

I'm still hard on myself when I doing things, but instead of man that sucks and feeling bad about it, it's more like, man that sucks but I am going to make it better and I feel good about it. I've relaxed my stubborn ways and it hasn't been easy at all, but I have reached out to others for help and chose to remain accountable to them in the process. I want the people that help me to witness they're words and thoughts turn into physical results. Not saying I want a guide through it all, it's still training with my signature on it, just that their words have made a difference and they're respected.

I have many goals to reach over the next while but I will attack them one at a time until they are solid and become second nature. I am hoping this will hold my engagement strong throughout the year. All of which I intend to share with others on the I Ho Chuan and those that help outside the team, but part of the school.

One last thing to maybe to clarify and perhaps send an understanding for those following my journey. Sometimes my writing may come off as completely negative and maybe sometimes it is. However, I am providing a transparent view to some of the things people can go through and just how that person deals with, or doesn't deal with, these events and prevails. The intention is for others to see it is not always going to be roses and sunshine. Sometimes you can spiral into a very dark place that takes something incredible or a different perspective to come out of. I am honest about things, and I hold myself accountable to everything I do or whatever decision I make whether it's right or wrong and I hope that by sharing these experiences, good or bad, people can take something away with them and apply it to their own thoughts or experiences. It's all in the perception and how it is taken, and the intention is not to send out the wrong message or negativity, just the truth of what's happening or how one is feeling at that particular moment in ones journey. See you at the kwoon.

The People have Spoken

It was truly a loud and clear message to our government yesterday that the people of our province want change and have reminded them that they work for us. It was great to see the voter turn out and people demanding accountability and exercising a right that was fought for so the people have a voice. Is the change going to be better or worse for us? I guess we'll see. The point of it is though that Albertans took the risk and made a change. I feel very proud to be an Albertan today and I hope others do too and not lose the momentum and the confidence to remain in charge.

It Was a Good Day

I'll be honest. Earlier this week I went through a complete moment of doubt. I thought there is no way I am ready to walk into that school, in front of my Sifu's and peers and grade. I'm not ready, everything is no where near black belt level and there is no way I am even good enough to walk into the school and pull this off. I have had too much down time and not enough self discipline, this is nothing but blatant disrespect. Then I stopped and thought to myself, "How would you know the answer to any of these questions or if any of those thoughts are true if you don't try? How the heck do you even know what Black Belt level is if you don't show up and do this. How can you possibly advance if you don't put it all on the line and work with what you do have and offer complete exposure? What happened to I'm just going to do this and toss the doubt, your ego is not invited... was that all lip service to your self and others? Your pride will win again and you'll just throw away another abundance of help from others and toss another opportunity of advancement to the wolves out of fear and doubt. Is that how you roll?"  Absolutely not. So I picked all of that up, squashed it into a ball, gave it a few hulk smashes, and off the side of the bridge it went. Where the heck did that come from? Geez!

 I can't really explain in a few words about what transpired yesterday. In some ways it was a complete fog and in other way's it was in HD. The whole time I was at the school, I could feel every move I made, every mistake I made, even when people where talking or moving, I could hear my heart beating, air into and out of my lungs, my feet walking on the mats. I could feel every single person's presence in the room. It was kind of weird really. It's the most in touch I have ever been with my senses, which was cool.  But the coolest part about yesterday was it was probably the happiest I have been in a very long time. I'm still wearing a smile on my dial, and even if I wasn't smiling at times yesterday, and I felt a huge abundance of emotions it all reverted back to happiness. I could be wrong but I never felt my ego coming in at all, I felt balanced, almost in a neutral state. I went through several stages of emotions such as pride, anger, doubt, confidence, determination, humility, success, fails, intimidation and a few times even fear, but in the end nothing could have taken away how I felt when I left the school yesterday. I felt like I picked up a huge weight off my shoulders and smashed it on the ground. I felt like this is all a new beginning. It was one of the greatest day's of my life. I left all my personal stuff at home and didn't carry around my fails. I stored them and moved on and when you can say you had a day like that, you should definitely write it down. So I did.

Now the hardest part is about to come. Keeping the momentum moving and staying on the quest for mastery. Polishing my strong points and elevating my weaknesses. Good thing there is still 10 months left of the year of the sheep. From my stand point at this time I am going to need it, all of it. I have laid out and completely exposed what I have and what I need to throw away. I know have a new arsenal of tools to use and new issues to sort out. I really feel good about things and am going to use and act on the valuable advice I was given yesterday. I have to renovate my pyramid a bit and give a few things a good polish. Overall this is going to be my greatest year if I can stick to the plan and hit up people for help when I need it. That's the tough part. I have trouble asking people for help, I have trouble approaching others and I don't want anything to come easy. What can I say, I'm a bull and I'm stubborn as heck. Something else to work on I guess.

I just wanted to mention I could not have gone into it with a better bunch of fellow students than Sihing Fuhr and Sihing Krebbs. You guy's did awesome and I couldn't be more proud of what I witnessed and what we went through together yesterday. Good job fellas and thanks for being there. See you at the kwoon.