Wednesday 23 November 2016

Embracing the Aftermath

It's never easy to describe in fine detail or provide a universal comprehension to others on a personal  journey or experience that changes your direction in life in the setting of past, present, and future. One that has made such a deep impact and although labouring, rewarding beyond what you ever thought possible. Journeys of this type are never easy, there is no short cut, there is no easy way, and there is no app for that. Everyones perceptions are unique and we all kind of speak our own languages. So I will do my best to tell you about a day, (in short form), that had a very profound and permanent impact on me. This day where it all seemed right, a day where I was ready to take on the world and win. This day, where I was running on full determination, narrowed focus, and prepared to push my body, mind, and spirit to the point of destruction if needed. A time where emotions were not part of the component. A day where I opened it all up and showed what I was made of, the day I showed heart.....the day I graded for the rank of Black Belt..... November 19, 2016.

I woke up Saturday morning with the first feeling of content until I fully awakened and stood up to get out of bed. Dizzy and not feeling right. Perfect, now I'm sick. Whatever, let's go princess. I had breakfast, mentally prepared, and continued to hydrate, then, more mental prepare. Reminiscing and then quickly removing those memories from my thoughts. That was then, this is now.

 Walking into the Kwoon at times can be incredibly intimidating, this was one of those times. Changed, hydrated, cleared my thoughts and was ready to grade. I was invited in and assessed the environment and the people in it. Calmed the mind and headed over to my fellow candidates. I wonder how they are doing? It doesn't matter, although we are each on our own journey, we're together and our shared vision will create the setting and work towards the final outcome. There is my training partner, I wonder how he's doing? Once again, it doesn't matter at this point. I believe we are ready, we worked hard and the goal is the same. To succeed just as we planned. I am confident.

The grading began and I pushed myself as hard as I could. All my years of training were brought to the table and the focus was steel. Sweat burning the eyes, moments of wanting to pass out, muscles burning beyond belief. I was not giving up or relaxing for nothing, I will be carried out on a stretcher before I yield. I felt good and although tired and numb at times, I felt strong and ready for more. Mentally the goal was clear and the focus narrowed on all that was required. I felt as though my thoughts were on a hair trigger, but the response relaxed and controlled. Maintaining calm and ejecting immediately what was unwanted. The mind must run clean. At times the focus was so narrow, I was the only one in the room and the task at hand. I was ready for this, even though you have no idea really what your ready for.  A brisk run and the test was complete.

Tired and exhausted at the end of it all, not thinking I had anything left and staying awake on the drive home was the question. I began to re-energize once again. The day and it's effect on me mentally and physically were amazing. I had such internal energy... I can't even explain it or where it came from. I got home and thought I could sleep. I couldn't until well past 12:30 and even then I tossed and turned all night and wide awake at 6:30 a.m. I just don't know, but what a pump man!

Once again reflecting on the previous day, I thought of everyone there. My fellow candidates that did awesome and how I am not only proud of them, but I'm proud to know them and what they accomplished. My very first Sifu was there that inspired me to continue, along with my second that trained me through a belt completion and two more promotions. All Sifus' that remained all had a huge impact on my training and were a major component of what took place on my behalf. My training partner performed extremely well and unconditionally sacrificed his time to help me put my mental creativity to physical reality. For all of this I am grateful and it made me feel like I gave something back to those that have given me so much by showing up and attempting to grade.  I did my best and I gave it my all. I prepared and was ready to grade and in the process I busted through internal walls and never allowed my focus to be diverted.  I put my heart into it. I did it, I graded for the rank of Black Belt. Still a long ways to go yet, but as a result of reaching this point, my life has changed. See you at the Kwoon.


Friday 18 November 2016

Calming the Mind

Well it's the night before grading and all I'm really doing at this point is working on calming my mind. There's not much else that can be done at this point physically that will make anything involving my Kung Fu change or improve drastically, to attempt this or even consider this would be just plain stupid. No, it's my minds turn to prepare and it runs everything.

I am stratigizing and preparing my plan for the day without really considering or seeing the outcome. Honestly at this point it's irrelevant, the mind needs to be clean and sharp without clutter or extra baggage, streamlined and running clean without any unnecessary emotional out bursts. Emotions aren't invited until after all is said and done, then they can do whatever they; like during a revisit of a path that was just cut, and just what it took to get to this point perhaps. Either way, each and every task must be performed to the best of ones abilities, good or bad, and let go, move to the next. That's where my thoughts are at the moment.

 All that was brought forward to this date needs to be compartmentalized (not sure if this is a word...but it is today) and on standby to be dispatched at the drop of a hat and performed with the heart and focus of a Black Belt. Determination and pushing hard to the destiny must be key with a powerful mind in the drivers seat. As far as I can tell I think everything is ready or it's going to be as ready as it's going to be anyway. I am very excited for tomorrow and look forward to seeing and being tested and observed by some of the most influential individuals in the school, our Sifu's. I hope to do them and the school proud.

Monday 7 November 2016

The Inner Workings of Mending a Relationship

As one of our many I Ho Chuan requirements this one has always been a tough one to sort. Not in relation to me being able to admit to my wrong doings or over reactions, or even full on anger towards others. I can usually take care of that during or a short time later. I have made the point of calling people out of the blue and stating my position and owning my accountability to the misunderstanding just from a deep reflection of how I have arrived at the current point in my life and just how I got there by looking back. I guess sometimes I go on a soul cleanse to try to insure I have not left bad feelings or a negative impression on people. I know that is literally impossible but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. As the individual and others change and mature or evolve if you will, so does our view points and judgements. I'm really glad and grateful to the influences I have had and the acquaintances I have made over the years to help me become a better person and reach others with respect and unconditional understanding.

But it hasn't, and still doesn't, always work this way. There are some that I chose to distance myself from and blow that bridge up for good and for good reason, I can't trust them ever again. I have questioned my instincts and learned the hard way as to why that mechanism is in us in the first place. No, the toughest thing for me is to sometimes forgive and relax my firm stance on certain views or beliefs if someone has intentionally wronged me or someone close to me. Especially if the trust is broken, it's next to impossible for me to forgive at this point. It's also very tough sometimes to look at yourself and see where you contributed and be accountable to it. Unless I am extremely over whelmed, to the point where I can't balance the simplest factors of said situation or remain rational, I don't tend to hold onto anger that long. I expel it as quickly as I can and toss invaluable energy and keep the lessons as tools to improve my ability to see the balance in all situations and differences with others.

So I guess you really have to look at it for what it is and what value is this relationship in general. What if the person holds no value or use in your life and is nothing more than a hindrance or a problem magnet that spreads not only to you but those close to you....is it really worth it to mend? How about see you later as in I hope to never see you later! Then what? With some of these types of people I have tried hard to see the good as there is good in everyone. Sometimes they just don't know it or see it. So do you swallow your pride and bend your beliefs, make the sacrifice and practice humility in order to help facilitate this in this person or do you follow your instincts and try to achieve a less harmless balance, distance yourself, and hope something runs them over....slowly..... twice..... like a road packer! It's really sacrifice and leaves you vulnerable, but in most cases then not we tend to roll the dice and practice forgiveness. I'm not so good at this, once your gone, you stay gone. But I'm getting better.... it just takes time and practice and self discovery.

What if there is more to the story than you actually know. What if this person that wronged you wasn't really them in the first place? What if there was a growing mental problem, or alcohol/substance abuse, maybe domestic or sexual abuse?  What if this person doesn't know how to express themselves properly and was really asking you for help? What if the wrong doing was just a way to gain your attention in the first place because you haven't been keeping up with your end of the relationship or have just been flat out neglecting them in favour of your own self interests? Maybe the problem is you and your over inflated ego, or your own aforementioned issues that you are not taking ownership on and refuse to do something about it. What if it was you yammering ignorance about someone else that made them feel terrible about themselves or question just who they socialize with. People in general like to put their own s^%t on others and judge and ridicule in order to take the focus off of themselves and then shut that same person out in order to feel better about themselves or if they are challenged on what they firmly believe is right, even if it's unfounded BS. I think in one way or another we are all guilty of this.

So you can see there is a lot to repairing a relationship in my opinion. Yes, there is probably a lot of overkill here and way too much thinking going on maybe. But you can't help but ask, What the hell happened in the first place and why? I have repaired broken or damaged relationships in the past and looked at a few of these points as tools or much needed questions before moving forward but not so much to this degree. I can honestly say though since I have been training in Kung Fu over the years my ability to read people has been significantly enhanced as has my ability to see both sides of the situation. But the best part is the desire to not wrong others in the first place. Kung Fu has helped me leave the ego out of the equation for the most part. I'm not perfect though, not even close. But I am sure trying to be a better person to those close to me and I do want to hold onto those that I have wronged or have been wronged by admitting to my short comings, holding others accountable in a mutual respect, and be the example of humility for my family and school. Sometimes that's not so easy but Kung Fu and it's vast range of knowledge and discipline sure helps with the perspective and balance we all need. See you at the Kwoon.