Monday 7 November 2016

The Inner Workings of Mending a Relationship

As one of our many I Ho Chuan requirements this one has always been a tough one to sort. Not in relation to me being able to admit to my wrong doings or over reactions, or even full on anger towards others. I can usually take care of that during or a short time later. I have made the point of calling people out of the blue and stating my position and owning my accountability to the misunderstanding just from a deep reflection of how I have arrived at the current point in my life and just how I got there by looking back. I guess sometimes I go on a soul cleanse to try to insure I have not left bad feelings or a negative impression on people. I know that is literally impossible but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. As the individual and others change and mature or evolve if you will, so does our view points and judgements. I'm really glad and grateful to the influences I have had and the acquaintances I have made over the years to help me become a better person and reach others with respect and unconditional understanding.

But it hasn't, and still doesn't, always work this way. There are some that I chose to distance myself from and blow that bridge up for good and for good reason, I can't trust them ever again. I have questioned my instincts and learned the hard way as to why that mechanism is in us in the first place. No, the toughest thing for me is to sometimes forgive and relax my firm stance on certain views or beliefs if someone has intentionally wronged me or someone close to me. Especially if the trust is broken, it's next to impossible for me to forgive at this point. It's also very tough sometimes to look at yourself and see where you contributed and be accountable to it. Unless I am extremely over whelmed, to the point where I can't balance the simplest factors of said situation or remain rational, I don't tend to hold onto anger that long. I expel it as quickly as I can and toss invaluable energy and keep the lessons as tools to improve my ability to see the balance in all situations and differences with others.

So I guess you really have to look at it for what it is and what value is this relationship in general. What if the person holds no value or use in your life and is nothing more than a hindrance or a problem magnet that spreads not only to you but those close to you....is it really worth it to mend? How about see you later as in I hope to never see you later! Then what? With some of these types of people I have tried hard to see the good as there is good in everyone. Sometimes they just don't know it or see it. So do you swallow your pride and bend your beliefs, make the sacrifice and practice humility in order to help facilitate this in this person or do you follow your instincts and try to achieve a less harmless balance, distance yourself, and hope something runs them over....slowly..... twice..... like a road packer! It's really sacrifice and leaves you vulnerable, but in most cases then not we tend to roll the dice and practice forgiveness. I'm not so good at this, once your gone, you stay gone. But I'm getting better.... it just takes time and practice and self discovery.

What if there is more to the story than you actually know. What if this person that wronged you wasn't really them in the first place? What if there was a growing mental problem, or alcohol/substance abuse, maybe domestic or sexual abuse?  What if this person doesn't know how to express themselves properly and was really asking you for help? What if the wrong doing was just a way to gain your attention in the first place because you haven't been keeping up with your end of the relationship or have just been flat out neglecting them in favour of your own self interests? Maybe the problem is you and your over inflated ego, or your own aforementioned issues that you are not taking ownership on and refuse to do something about it. What if it was you yammering ignorance about someone else that made them feel terrible about themselves or question just who they socialize with. People in general like to put their own s^%t on others and judge and ridicule in order to take the focus off of themselves and then shut that same person out in order to feel better about themselves or if they are challenged on what they firmly believe is right, even if it's unfounded BS. I think in one way or another we are all guilty of this.

So you can see there is a lot to repairing a relationship in my opinion. Yes, there is probably a lot of overkill here and way too much thinking going on maybe. But you can't help but ask, What the hell happened in the first place and why? I have repaired broken or damaged relationships in the past and looked at a few of these points as tools or much needed questions before moving forward but not so much to this degree. I can honestly say though since I have been training in Kung Fu over the years my ability to read people has been significantly enhanced as has my ability to see both sides of the situation. But the best part is the desire to not wrong others in the first place. Kung Fu has helped me leave the ego out of the equation for the most part. I'm not perfect though, not even close. But I am sure trying to be a better person to those close to me and I do want to hold onto those that I have wronged or have been wronged by admitting to my short comings, holding others accountable in a mutual respect, and be the example of humility for my family and school. Sometimes that's not so easy but Kung Fu and it's vast range of knowledge and discipline sure helps with the perspective and balance we all need. See you at the Kwoon.





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