Sunday, 19 July 2020

All or Nothing

In one way or another we all have some sort of mental defect or challenge. Nobody is exempt from it wether we want to admit it or not. I think the toughest part is actually identifying it to some degree and then admitting it to ourselves and having the courage to work with it. That's not always easy though because a lot of times we are in denial about the situation or believe we have a handle on it or we don't even recognize it until it catches up to us. Sometimes we don't want to see it or even consider it a problem because of the stigma that comes with even the mention of a mental issue or challenge. We believe that if we are carrying on in our daily lives in a productive manner, there is nothing obvious or common symptoms and we have the ability take care of our family along the way, then it's all good...right. No actually, not so much.

I know for me my issue is being a full blown workaholic and what this brings is a all or nothing mentality. From when I was young growing up on the farm, to my years  in the oil patch, to the construction industry you, worked until the job was done. No matter how much time it took or how many days consecutive. The focus was the work always and even during this time quality was drilled into my head. If you screwed it up, you fix it and make it right. You focus and commit to what you set out to do. You didn't screw the pooch either and you best use your brain along the way as well and good enough is never part of the equation. Now this is all fine and these experiences have built me a very stable career and I apply these characteristics to all that I do. But what happens when it becomes the only mindset in everything you do.

As much as I thought I was a good multitasker and achieving balance was no issue, I really suck at it. I can multitask and balance things, streamline them and discover all kinds of insight. I am highly productive, committed and focused and not scared to work at something until I complete it but only when it involves whatever I am currently involved in. I didn't even really realize it until these past few weeks when my training structure flew apart and I'm scrambling to pick up the gears of excellence that are flung all over the place. I stopped and said to myself, what the hell just happened.

Back when the pandemic shut down began I had the time to soley restore and work on my Kung Fu. Everyday I would train and at times I would spend hours on certain aspects to get it right. I was having fun and making great progress in my training and my list of priorities where on track. I thought finally I am going to have this balance in training and all aspects of my life because that's what I set out to do this year. This is going to be freaking awesome.

The thing is I didn't realize it at the time but I was already in all or nothing mode. I thought I had it dialed in strong enough to where when work started I would be able to bring this with me and I felt I was walking into the balance I set out to find for this year. Then work started, summer came, commitments to my family came and of course lifes surprises. Slowly as I continued at completing what I set out to do and hold that balance but it was starting to slip.

 Then all or nothing started up again and I found myself rather than finishing up whatever was left the next day or chipping away at it a little at a time, dropping what I was doing to make the time for my training I would go at it or do whatever until it was done. My levels of priorities became distorted and pretty soon I was up late at night and looking at the time, okay I have a few minutes to do some puch ups and sit ups, maybe form rep or two, the rest I'll catch in the morning before I leave. Pretty soon the late nights were catching up and I would work hard all day and work hard at whatever I felt was more important. Then my morning reps became less and then eventually none. Now I have to catch up on it all after work and I would go until it was done. Pretty soon I was burnt out and my daily training became less and less and I was working when I originally thought I wasn't going to be. I have incomplete blogs in my draft and I haven't been able to touch my weapon for weeks.

This is where the all or nothing workaholic in me loses perspective on the important things and things become distorted. This is where I start to shed what I believe is not priority and I begin to beat myself up because I am failing or can't complete what I set out to do. Everything else is more important and this is a luxury I can no longer make time for. This is where I put everyone elses needs ahead of mine because I think if I don't meet these other commitments I am being selfish. Normally about this time in the past I would start to lose site of what is really important and make up the excuse that I just don't have the time to do this and just disappear. This action is not healthy and all it does is make me regret things more and make me angry and that is  never good.

Well I'm not going to repeat this again and I have the means to make it right before I lose site of my goals. I have to pull the reigns in and take back control of what's mine and use the tools and advice I have been given. My training may not have been as productive as I would like, but it never stopped this time and the quest for quality is always there. I have my book with me at all times as a reminder and a tool to keep the balance front and center. It's okay to say no sometimes. I have contacted someone I have trained with in the past and we will keep each other engaged, a success coach to be exact, because this can't be done successfully on my own. I can forgive myself when I mess stuff up. It's okay to stop and make the time for what's important and hold my comittments.I have teachers to reach out to anytime when I need help. I will get a handle on my all or nothing mentality and find that balance. I will go to the Kwoon whenever possible and meet with my team instead of getting soley involved in one thing until it's done...it will still be there when I get back.

So this is my struggle and I will see it through to a better me, a healthier me and a whole different lifestyle because as it sits all or nothing doesn't work and that's the chink in my armour. It sure feels good to say that and a plan to move forward to make Kung Fu my balance no matter what I am doing may just be in sight after all. I guess we will see what it all brings. See you at the Kwoon.

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