When it comes to my training I struggle a lot with keeping to a program or an agenda, and it's been that way for a long time. I'm not sure if it is just utter defiance when I feel like I can not be myself or someone or something has come into my space and is telling me what to do. Perhaps I struggle with commitment under that brain pattern. Maybe I'm just plain nuts. But I can tell you this much it hasn't served me well. I go day to day in a scattered form of madness accomplishing pieces of things but never completing the plan. I make a plan, think it out front to back and say to myself, "Hah, that is beyond awesome and no one has ever tried that." A few days in and then suddenly... off the beaten path I roam like someone that has taken on a bad habit of sniffing glue. Then out comes the giant failure stamp with the 4 by 8 ink pad and I go on a ink stamping extravaganza. I'm very good when it comes to layout, but bright as a sack of hammers at times when it comes to following through and carrying the plan forward. Unless it has nothing to do with my training. Then I can plan a multitude of steps and have absolutely no issues seeing it all work the way it's supposed to and adapt on the fly at the drop of a hat and not skip a beat. Jump into anything pretty much and continuing on like it's nothing. Logging repairs, activities, work plans, vision, all good. Training, suck ass, period. I just don't know.
I know one thing for sure this year and it's events has drained my passion and drive in the things in my life that are supposed to beneficial. I realize this. All of my focus and energy has been put forward to several things that I was not really prepared for and things that required a painful path to closure. It's very difficult to make those around you have an understanding of what's going on or what is happening when these things cannot be shared. It's a very difficult place to be when things are happening way outside your character, stuff is said, but not followed through, and you can't explain a damn thing. Your reasons, although may or not be true, are only a front for what is really going on. The only choice you have really is to use action in the place of words, and at the moment that is my rekindled starting point. You must find a way to rekindle the fires of your deepest passions and go to work hard on your well being if you have run out of, or don't have the words. You have to pick up the pieces of the carnage and rebuild through action. You must build a bridge over that valley in order to get back to where you came from, and while you cross over, have a look down and insure that what is meant to stay down there, stay's down there for good. Sometimes that takes time, and sometimes that involves sacrifice to some of the most important things in your life. Sometimes you lose a lot of face to the people you respect the most. Sometimes things happen that you can't even bring tools to the task, because you have either dropped them, or you have to go to the print table and design and forge new ones that you really don't know how to use. You must dive in and learn on the fly. You must continue to move forward even if it means dragging your sorry ass with one finger.
But once when you stop and think about things and look back, you realize you would have never made it through if you weren't who you are and what you stand for. The people in your life that have made that influence. The tools and people that helped make your structure. Regardless of the situation there is always a way, always. You just have to fight and never give up, and keep your passions solid. Tattered to shreds or not, you can always rebuild anything from a solid foundation. I don't know if this blog really makes any sense at all, but for now, it will have too. See you at the kwoon
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