March Madness

Well I'm two days late on my latest post as a result of a busy Easter weekend with family. It was a nice time and I really enjoyed it as it gave me a chance to forget about things for a couple of days. Lots of ebbs and flows this past month with almost everything and that really doesn't go away.

 Much like most people in the country at the moment, any kind of consistent work or financial balance has been a very tough go, like damn near impossible. Bills don't stop coming in and the cost of living just keeps skyrocketing, but our work and wages don't. It really takes a toll on families and is of extreme pressure that can really knock the wind out of you. It's a very horrible feeling to be in a position of constant concern and the feeling of being useless. Like if something really goes south...what are you going to do. I do my best to stay in the fight, but when all of your resources have been depleted and you have absolutely nothing to fall back on, you can't help but start to beat yourself up and start to question just what kind of a person you are and how did you let yourself become so vulnerable.

A lot can be said for our leadership in times like these and just how we react to a stressful situation. Stress is a killer, it can take a healthy, mentally stable and focused individual and turn them into an absolute mess, or in extreme cases, kill them. Heart attacks, stroke, huge anxiety issues, suicide through depression, divorce, etc. I know this, because I've seen it, and now at the moment I'm actually feeling it to some degree. You can tell yourself as many times as you want that things will get better, and over time, I'm sure they will. But when you begin to lose sight of your goals and meanings and you begin to struggle as to how you see yourself as a Father and a husband, you know it's really time to get honest with yourself and maybe for a change, realize that not everything is your fault or in your control. That's a really hard thing to do when you insist on taking full responsibility of your situations and actions, but struggle to know where to start or where to get the tools required.

 You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to survive, to adapt and overcome. This isn't always easy, but I think I just might find something inside of me to see past this illusion of despair and perhaps this time of low may help me find another purpose and set me on another path. A direction that will improve drastically the well being of my girls and the well being of me. In the past I have always viewed these times as a test and something of great result has come my way through consistent review and action. I hope this is one of these times, because this test in particular has been one of my toughest yet.

Mostly because it's not just about me, it's about the well being and the future of my family.  But if I don't take care of my well being, how can I possibly change my life and my family if I'm not healthy both mentally and physically. How can I possibly embrace change or see opportunity if I'm bound and blinded through lack of will and my own darkness. It's been a tough go for many people right now, so I don't think I'm special or circumstances unique. I feel lucky enough though to recognize a downward spiral and step back and do something about it while I still can. I may have to ask for help or I may have to just go out and go for a walk. I must do something though in order to fight through this. One thing that has been of great help has been the bond and love I share with my girls. They are everything to me and they are counting on me to help get us through this, I can't let them or me down.