I just sat down and stared at stuff

Going into this year I had it all planned out. I could see the next leg of my journey on the road to mastery and many landmarks along the way to guide me through the cliffs that would need scaling, the deep valleys, raging rivers, and the thickest jungle man has ever endured. I was creating a single path with my family, my work, and my Kung Fu all in tow. This was going to be the greatest evolution of all aspects of my life. I was challenged with the constant pulling in all directions at work and pulling through with confidence and grace. My girls were are all doing awesome and I couldn't be more proud. Kung Fu was really coming together on all fronts and I couldn't wait to make that escape and train to whatever I wanted to do with a seemingly endless supply of details I had missed along the way and new discoveries. I just said bring it on and I will fight it to exhaustion. Careful what you wish for.

This year has been a fight. It probably wouldn't have ended up that way, but I let things take the wheel of my ride. Something that I never let happen. I became so obsessed with the challenge of work and my ethics of nothing is ever too much and I will take on anything that is thrown at me. My days got longer and I was working with people that expected more from me. Okay cool I am practicing mastery in my trade so this is my Kung Fu serving me. Not really noticing I was putting in the work of three people. Up at 5:00 in the morning and dragging my sorry ass in the house at  8:00 at night, everyday and all day. Giving my little one a smooch and tucking her in. Visiting with Erica for an hour and heading out to the garage or catching up on whatever I could, when I could. Doing whatever training I could and crashing. After being on this routine for months on end, it was starting to grind on me. Usually asleep before my head hit the pillow or not even making it to bed if I stopped to sit down for a minute. Seeing the absence of my presence in my youngest daughters eyes and the face of frustration in my wifes, was not helping. Although my girls supported me the whole time, I wasn't feeling to good about it. Leaving my team to carry my absence and having more difficulty to even show up to class. Any classes for that matter. Falling further and further behind in my numbers and growing more and more negative as the days go by. Trying to find the landmarks to guide me through have now disappeared. Blinded by the thickest brush, I could no longer rip them out. Looking behind me I could plainly see that I was now creating three paths instead of one. Everything that is close to me is now segregated. Looking at the hours I put in this year so far is somewhere around the 2500 mark, so even daily training was becoming very little. I did always accomplish something, but stopped recording it on my blog or writing it down. As people when we start to become overwhelmed, we look for sources to lay blame. I started to dislike work and the people I work under. I wanted my girls to take a trip some where. I have been guilty of shooting my mouth off outside the kwoon, blaming the I Ho Chuan program and installing the mindset of this is unreasonable and how the hell can anyone pull this off successfully and still maintain. My journaling went to the wayside, AGAIN. Shortly after my last blog I had enough. I just sat down and stared. Mentally and physically exhausted. I wanted to quit my job, step down from the I Ho Chuan program and do.... I didn't know. So what ended up happening is I went on a trip with my family through southern Alberta into B.C, and back through Nordegg to Rocky Mountain House. It gave me a lot of time to look at things and just chill. One night staring into a fire I built that the gods could see, I sorted it all out. I went back to my roots and devised a plan to get back on track and grab the drivers seat back. Quiting is for sheeple, not the driven.  I was sick and tired of letting life take the wheel. You have to handle your life, not let your life handle you. Regretting ever verbally bitching about the I Ho Chuan program and putting my negativity on others. I felt foolish. I am sorry to anyone I may have had this effect on and I meant no disrespect to anyone. Just selfish venting I guess.I have no intention of being a career Sihing and as I have said before, the longer you stay away from the kwoon, the more of a damaging effect it has once you have placed it into your soul. It's time to come home. So after all of that I am now traveling as one again, one path with all I hold close. Changing my priorities to Family, Kung Fu, and work. I have started to train again on a daily basis and my love for the I Ho Chuan is restored. It is not a sentence, but an enhancement. Work is work. I have tons of experience and am highly skilled enough to always find work. I will carry on as I always have. Bring it on. Sorry for the book I just wrote but I felt it was necessary out of respect for the team and to share a challenge I had to get through. See you at the kwoon.
Brian Chervenka